There is particularly inappropriate airplane behavior you can and can’t get away with. For instance, getting drunk is sometimes a terrible idea. This isn’t too hard of a fix though. You can always gulp back some water or even scarf down whatever kind of food the airline is planning on dishing out.
That should sober you up! However, there is a specific behavior that doesn’t fly on an airplane (No pun intended). There are specific natural bodily functions that are not only frowned upon but could be seriously inappropriate on an airplane.
Can you guess what they are?
Well, what about farting, vomiting, f*cking, eating natural food and sleeping? We just want to know the answers. When is it okay to do these five natural human things? Or is it never okay? We’ll touch upon this touchy subject in this article.
Why are these five natural human things inappropriate airplane behavior?
These five things have earned their stigmas. It’s easy to argue that these five natural human things aren’t permitted anywhere but the privacy of your own home. But when you’re on a plane, you have no choice! There’s nowhere else to go. So, let’s investigate.
Can we fart freely?
Not a chance! Our farts must creep through the bars of the prison cell forged out of societal norms. Farting in public goes against the grain of society. In essence, the thought of farting on an airplane is a daunting one. But seriously, what do you do when you need to pass gas? It’s not like you have anywhere to go.
It’s good for your body to pass the gas with the change in cabin pressure – but is it appropriate? In normal human society, not so much. But what can you do? Excuse yourself to the bathroom every time you feel the urge to cut the cheese? We’re guessing that your seatmate isn’t going to call you out on it, so just let ’em rip.
How to fix it: Sit on lots of blankets and don’t move. Allow the blankets to act as a filter for your booty fumes. Also, keep a non-guilty grin on your face. Perhaps add one of those inconspicuous whistles we’ve seen in cartoons. They’ll never know it was you.
What about sex?
My shower is about the same size as an airplane bathroom, and I’ve tried to have sex there. It just really doesn’t work. I guess if you have a lot of time to work out the best position, it could work.
But it’s probably not worth it, to be honest. Unless you and your partner are petite contortionists hell-bent on banging above the birds. People talk about being in the “mile high club” but are they? It’s hard to believe that they’ve successfully had sex in there. Or at the very least, pleasurable sex.
How to fix it: Skip the bathroom bang sesh on the plane. Keep it PG. Gaze into your partner’s eyes and play footsies. When you land, the baggage claim takes a while for the bags to come out. This is your chance. Sprint to the nearest restroom (with your partner or that hottie in the next row) and get your post-flight freak on.
But surely you can eat, right?
You might be surprised (just kidding, you won’t be) that eating is quite a difficult task on an airplane. Trying to determine if the so-called food is edible and by the time you’ve decided to indulge yourself, everything is cold. And you should see the reaction you’ll get if you dare to ask the flight attendants to microwave the micro-meal for you. A lot of the times it’s just easier to pack your snacks.
How to fix it: Pack your flight food, but make sure you’ve got the smelly snacks under control. I say this to those around you. Please don’t pack a tuna or egg salad sandwich.
OK. So what about if you need to puke?
Your seatmates will not be so forgiving about this one. Sorry, but it’s true. They may overlook a fart into a stack of blankets, but they’re not going to forgive a mid-flight bag of barf. Remember that scene in Airplane! When she’s vomiting eggs? That might be the only acceptable way to throw up on a flight. But since that’s not possible, just try not to spew your lunch on other people, okay?
How to fix it: Don’t get on the flight if you’re feeling sick. And jump off if you start to feel sick. No, we’re kidding. Just make sure you aim for the bag. Or race to the bathroom if you feel the chunks rising your throat.
And after all that, you’ll need a good sleep, right?
Right. But you’d be wrong in thinking that you can get good sleep on an airplane. Neck cramps, people snoring, drool, babies crying, drunks. You name it. Every aircraft has it. Offputting sounds smell, and sometimes, unfortunately, tastes, can make sleep hard to find on a plane.
Sometimes you’ll wake up even worse off than if you never tried to chase your slumber. I’m not one to talk though – I fall asleep before the flight attendants also finish their safety speech.
How to fix it: Knock yourself out with some Gravol and pretend the whole thing never happened.
UPDATED July 5, 2018